Lost & Found

Before I even start typing I want you to play this song while reading. I believe it will bring out the vibe I want to share through this post.

Growing up I have isolated myself in ways I never thought possible. Even when the room was crowded it felt dark and cold. I could almost sense those people around me but no, complete numbness. Staring right at the mirror looking through my reflection into my soul and to be hit with the fact that I am loved, cared for, appreciated and seen… Is something I would have never thought possible back in my teenage life.

Yesterday I heard one writer speak saying something that hit me. “You don’t walk around claiming that you write” Grab the pen and paper and start writing. I think it has been a year I guess since I last sat and typed something. It has been a year since I have journaled. I felt estranged from myself. Even though writing was my way of communicating and spilling my gut through words. I just simply did not do it. The thought of reading back my words and acknowledging all those feelings and thoughts scared me. I knew the fact that whenever I will write again it will be this. acknowledging this.

Let’s go back for a minute and explore. I used to be a nobody, and felt like a nobody. Being different from my siblings kept me always on edge as if there was something wrong with me. What I did not realize back then that I do now, was that I was into deep deep water. What is ironic is that I have always feared the ocean. Growing up, I have never liked the sea. There was no actual incident that kept me off water. But to think of it maybe just maybe mentally I was drowning. The whole time claiming that I feared the water maybe it is because I know what it feels like to suffocate. To choke on your on words. As I am writing this I have a big smile on my face because I am all grown up now. Thirty years old. After all this time I realized that I do belong even if I don’t fit in. Let me explain more to you so we both get the right picture.

I still remember the times where I tried to understand what everyone is doing around me and how everything felt weird and out of context. The world I have built for myself was much safer and familiar. I know what it is like to be misunderstood. I know what it is like to be seen by family and clearly know how they wish you were different. As if you could take off your skin and be molded into whatever they want you to be. I know what it feels like to have them wishing that you fit right in with the circle that they have built. whether it was they way you walk, talk, do your hair, dress… And the list is endless. I know what it feels like having people telling you that they wish you would be different.

I have made a promise to always be the safe haven for those who feel that they don’t belong. I have made a promise to always welcome the broken, the weirdos and the crazy ones. I have made a promise to accept people as they are. And through my growing years I have made sure to make others know that I am an anchor. Despite what I feel, I have made sure to keep the drowned ones above water. (One compliment that I keep dear to my heart is where people have always said to me how they felt like I was their friend. Even when we have never met.) And this itself assures me that I am fulfilling my goal in wanting to share the feeling of spiritual recognition with strangers.
Live and let live.

No one has the right to make you feel like an outcast. After all this time, I am still me. I have held on my ways and kept reminding myself how this was me. I will not accept to live a life that did not feel or look like me. Few days ago, one cousin told me something that made me look at her and just laugh. laugh out loud trying to fathom the whole idea of what she said. “You know, many of us still don’t believe the fact that you are married” For them it is still a shock that someone could and would love me just the way I am.
No addition no exclusion.

The love I receive by complete strangers. They see it all the time and are aware of it but they just don’t understand ‘how’. How could people see me, know me and celebrate me the way I am. If you asked my sixteen years old self, no I would not have the gut to put myself out there. I know now that I dare to be myself completely and this is exactly why they are scared, I am emotionally naked and fully present, and not scared of living my truth. And if that makes me look weird. So be it.

I have come a long way. smiling with tears in my eyes right now because I was so alone back then thinking that there was something wrong with me. I was hurt constantly from the idea of not being what I “should” have been. But know this. I am exactly the way I am because of those things. I am proud of every corner of my soul that others wanted too badly to change and reshape. It is not easy to stand your ground and remind yourself that you are not doing anything wrong by being yourself. Many of the people back then probably were not aware of the verbal or mental abuse that they were sending my way. And they probably still aren’t aware of it. But to tell you the truth; I now know better. Living a life that reflects who and what I am is worth it. I will fight with all that I am to make sure that I still have peace and serenity to just be.

This is not only a message to assure the misfits that it is their right to be whoever they want to be. But also to those who believe that they are the ‘normal’ ones. Thinking that it is their right and choice to decide how others should lead their lives.
Be kind to others, remember that you don’t have to accept them but definitely respect their choices when clearly they are not getting in your way. Give those around you the space to be themselves and accept the fact that even if you don’t probably like them. There are people out there who will definitely love them with all their hearts.

Do not look for a place to fit in. Find places that fits you. And remember that you have always belonged to yourself. Instead of saying you are lost and unaware of where you should be or go; try finding your way back to yourself.
In a world that is trying too hard to conform you to be like everybody else. May you find the courage to fearlessly be yourself.

xo S

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