So I am listening to a song titled Symphony by Thorsteinn Einarsson and having coffee and 12:21 am. Yes, I know! I wanted to fall asleep earlier but then I thought why not? Just stay a bit more. I saw the wordpress’s Anniversary. It has been 5 years you guys!! I still remember writing my first post on this website. Anyways, I thought of writing something tonight. I hope somehow my words reach your heart because that is my aim always. What comes from the heart goes to the heart right?
Somehow my best blog posts are the ones where I am emotionally naked. That is why I decided to just go at it and bleed on this keyboard if that makes sense. A lot of people look up to me. I have been told that I influence their lives, choices; basically shifted their mindsets. As stunning and amazing that is, it truly does come with a huge responsibility and I do take it fully I promise. Watching what I say and making sure that my choices online and offline are credible. Those people turned me into someone who is accountable and I believe in the line “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” But also I want to help people see that change so they can change the world with me. In a way this responsibility has turned me into who I am today. The need to thrive and become kinder, wiser, stronger. Be a better reader, writer and a good photo capturer.
Now having said that, I do believe that as much as it is great to share all those great things online. People truly get to forget what’s left unpublished, not posted or shared with them. And that specific thing puts me in a lot of pressure. As much as I try to share my thoughts without even trying to make my life seem picture perfect, yet a lot of people believe that that’s all there is. Coffee, rain, books and intellectual talks.
Let’s get things straight once and for all, and I will refer this post to a lot of people when claiming that I have the ‘perfect life’. I mean what is perfect life anyways?
I am only human. I get moody, I get tired or lazy at times.. And it is a lot of time’s where I just feel like doing nothing at all. I get anxious. I get all weird and say things that I think are funny but they are actually not. I act strange at times. I feel that there are probably over 10 voices inside my head. It gets so hard to keep them aligned or quite… I think that showing how strong I am and how I can handle “life” people started to believe that ‘weak’ is no option for me. Trust me, I feel so helpless at time’s that I rethink everything in my life over and over again. There are days where I just lay in bed and do nothing for over 8+ hours. Or watch a whole series on Netflix in one setting. It is not everyday that I am active, social out and about. People don’t get to see that. It is not everyday that I am inspired; When it comes to writing or reading or taking photos or just being a normal human being doing social things. There are a lot of times where i just feel completely blocked out.
I used have severe anemia. Now it’s not so severe according to my last blood test hah!! Anyways, So there are many times where I am just tired. or simply faint if I put my body under any extreme exercise. And what I mean by extreme; As simple as running around the block; this could easily black me out. So even though I may weigh around 55KG, a lot of people claim that I am ‘fit’ and ‘body goals’ but I am not healthy so what’s the point? If your weight number is not above 60KG but you faint the sooner you walk a faster pace seriously what’s the use? I get frustrated and useless.. When family wants to walk around hike when away or do any activity that contains (walking/running body movements) I just can’t join them in fear of slowing them down. Do you have any idea how defeated this feels like?
I go through a lot of mental struggles and I share with others the result of that. I have been in and out of depression. I break and build, break and rebuild myself over and over again.
So I took a lot of time to learn about what makes me tick and what does not. It took a long time to see what brings the fire within me and what turns it blue. It took me a really long time to find my identity and became confident about it. . I did not wake up to be this person today. When you are seeing the peak of me, you have no idea how long it took me to reach this shape I am in today And if you are seeing the light of me; don’t forget the shadow part of it.. And let us not forget the fact that I am always becoming trying to change and better myself within me and around me. It get’s very dark inside my head at time’s that I struggle to inhale and I choke on my words. I feel restless and overwhelmed
Take it easy on yourself. This life, there is no manual. Live as you go, learn with every step. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, everyone out there is making them. Learn to apologize when necessary and vocalize your feelings. Take it one step at a time. And it is ok. It is ok to just be yourself; you don’t have to prove anything to anyone that your life is “exciting” except to truly experience it yourself. Don’t just make it look like fun. Let yourself enjoy the fun. Better believe that “memories” is what will be left with you, make sure they are plenty; and they are good.
Fix what needs to be fixed and leave the unfixed broken. Mend your relationships with those around you and cut off the toxic ones. You create and decide the vibes you want to live. What is life if lived complaining and blaming others and making excuses all the time?
Life became better when I have learnt to love myself.
-Decided to believe that I am at the right place at the right time.
-I genuinely got to know my own goodness and I appreciated the good parts of me more.
-I became more forgiving and tolerant in letting others be themselves instead of analyzing their actions to what I think should have said or done.
-I stopped wishing that my life should be a certain way and just appreciated for what it is.
My life has turned upside down exactly when I started appreciating what I have instead of wishing something different.Simplicity is key. Let your path be cleared out from those who blur your vision. And hold hands with those who help clear your pathway with you. Trust me, I am forever grateful that not all what I have prayed for appeared in my life. I am glad that some of my wishes did not come true. And whenever you see those “picture perfect” lives out there. Always believe that that’s not just it.
So yes, I may seem that I have got it all together which most of the times, I truly do. But still there are those times where I “crash and break down”. But I love life and I am ok with everything that happens in it. Good or bad, happiness or sadness, darkness or light.
I am in it all. I am for it all. Let it happen because how else I am going to actually live if I did not experience it all? Give yourself a break and don’t be intimidated by others successes. What is success if there was no failure?
I am only human after all.
“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.” – Alan Watts