It Starts With You

I am no relationship expert. If anything, I could be a self expert. I could talk more about improving myself than improving anything around me. When getting in a relationship we tend to think of what to get out of our partners and how can we make them do things instead of focusing what are we bringing to the table. We tend to overthink how our partners should act and be, instead of shifting the whole focus into improving ourselves to be the best versions of us.

In this post I will just share random thoughts about relationships/marriage bits I think will help you see things differently. But keep in mind, I am no relationship expert and you don’t have to go with everything I say. But sometime’s reading someone else’s thoughts on a certain topic could open up your eyes a bit to new perspectives that you had no idea they existed.

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Some of the topics I want to tap on today are

• Making The Right Decision
• Some Alone Time
• What About Trash Talks?
• Arguments
• It Is A Relationship of Two
• Values

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Marriage is no easy thing and surely it is not always rainbows and sunshines. Especially if you are about to get married, the fear of starting a journey with someone you don’t know or know is truly a bit scary…I heard stories about people changing personalities after marriage and people regretting what they got themselves into….
Here is a fact, nobody’s perfect. Once you acknowledge this fact it will be a lot easier for you to accept someone else(anyone) even friends.
We tend to put a criteria of how someone should be in order for them to be accepted as a husband\wife. But we forgot that we cannot order people online or through a checkbox website so you get your perfect match. Even what we focus on is irrelevant to the core foundations of a healthy relationship.

How to know if they are right for you?
When someone genuinely cares about you. When they push you to be better, and help motivate you. When you are at your lowest they remind you that you are all that. and you are such a beautiful, strong and a good person despite your failures. When they are as thrilled as you are about your successes and not try to bring you down; on the contrary they do what they can to help you achieve your goals.
You know when someone is right for you is seeing their reactions at the times when you refuse things. They won’t lash at you or completely ignore you but try to understand your point of view and “OK” with your refusal. They will try to understand you and help you be a better person without changing you.
Even if there is something that both of you disagree on, they will help create a common ground solution and not be selfish about it.

Alone Time
For a relationship to feel still and calm. The couple need some alone time separately. You can’t always be with him/her. You need to develop a hobby or an interest if you don’t have any to keep you passionately busy. Your partner should not be your whole life. You need to do something that is completely your own. When two people are always together conflicts are bound to happen.

No Trash Talk
One of the worst things I keep encountering is when people trash talk about their partners. When you talk about your partner badly you are in a way talking about yourself. Your partner represent you and vice versa. If you dislike them so much just don’t be with them. And on this point, I do recommend that whoever is getting married wait at least a year on the child… Because it’s easier to separate childless than discover that you are with the wrong person with a bunch of kids and pregnant for more….
>>So on the trash talk, if there is something that you don’t like about your partner, share your thoughts with them, not with others. People should not have the insights of what goes on in your house. This is why it is important to take the right decision by choosing the right person for you. The one you can carry their “baggage”.
someone’s faults you are ok with and aren’t bad enough to ruin your life.
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.“

Arguments
Nobody likes fighting..not the sane ones at least.
You don’t have to win every argument you get into. You don’t have to fight over everything. There are things that aren’t worth the trouble. When you feel that your partner is raged and lashed out, it is your turn to calm down and understand where they are coming from. And don’t just walk around accusing them of things if there is no valid proof of your accusations. We come to the point of a question that was asked on Instagram:::
How to know if my doubts are valid?
If they share the same personal values, if they are open to you about almost everything. If they are clear about their visions and thoughts about the relationship and about themselves. If there is no valid reason for you to doubt anything, then you shouldn’t doubt anything in the first place. A lot of the times we have this internal conversations doubting ourselves because we are our first and main critics. This is why I have mentioned in the beginning how you should get to know yourself and improve yourself in a way that you will trust your actions. And when you do that, almost every action you do will be valid. Due to your certainty and awareness of what you are brining to the table and what isn’t on thew table.
**Be open about your doubts and give your partner a space and an opportunity to defend themselves.
If took me a bit to voice out my doubts and thoughts and when I realized that they weren’t needed in the first place, I started to always voice out my thoughts so they could be cleared out by my husband (When I have any)

It Is A Relationship of Two
Don’t work hard to impress other people but completely ignore your spouse. Don’t over pressure your partner so you can appear nice and put all together in front of other people…with a gathering that will only last few hours… One of the keys to a healthy relationships is to work smart on it despite what it looks like to others.
We don’t spoil each other at all in front of others. When we are surrounded with people(family/friends) we tend to focus on them than on each other.
The relationship consists of two persons.. Keep it that way and you are good.

Values
What is a relationship without its core values?
Values and principles will help make a lot of things easier. Even struggles and arguments will run smoother than being with someone who has different values as yours. It all goes back with truly being aware of who is joining the journey of your life.
I would compromise anything and I could lose anything but ‘myself’ My own “identity“.
For me I’d definitely make sure that they share similar values as mine.
Respect| Honesty | Loyalty | Trust | Communication | Understanding

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Don’t lose sight of what is important to the relationship, because ‘love’ changes clothes along the years and you need values to keep it all together. And loving someone solely without being able to trust them, be honest with them, understand or respect them….. will definitely take your relationship outside the window.

I want to end this post with positive vibes and leave you with an encouraging message.

It was easy for me to say yes, because I knew exactly what I wanted and was aware of what I was getting myself into and who I am ending up with.
Through goods and bads I will be there and will offer all that I can to help make it work.
To work always on myself to improve as a person, wife, sister, daughter and a friend.
It is not enough to be good today but to always thrive to be a better version of who you were yesterday. And that will make all the difference.

xo S