By Change Not Chance

If you knew me three years ago you would have known how vibrant of a person I was. I used to be all over the place (literally) in a positive way though. I used to work here and there. Being a freelance photographer as well makes me jump from place to another. So if I wasn’t at my work which used to be in the marketing field at one coffee shop; I would be shooting, if I wasn’t shooting, I would be editing… And If I wasn’t doing any of those things, I would be either writing or reading. Remembering the past, I can’t think of moments where I sat still. Those moments had their perks but I cannot judge myself right now for who I was back then. I can’t keep telling people: “Well, I know I am this person now, but please focus on who I was because that girl was more fun and ‘successful’.”

I know for a fact that change is inevitable. This means that there is no point in avoiding change, it will happen whether you want it or not. You better be ready to change when life starts shifting. When things start failing, when things aren’t clicking the way they used to, when things are feeling off and not normal; you know that it is time to change. Change in your habits, change in your ways, change in your thoughts, changing your route?…. For me it was more about changing my workplace. As much heart I would put in my work it wasn’t shown. As much effort I would offer and place in the right place…. It still felt wrong. One day I woke up and took a decision right there in bed… To just quit. I have always been like that. I never used to second think my decisions because I cared more about my mental health more than the consequences of my actions. So, I grabbed my laptop and started writing my resignation letter to be effective immediately. Just like that in that afternoon I didn’t have a job or a plan on what to do.

To spare you two years of events I’m fast forwarding to the last three months. After quitting my job I ended up working in the government sector and it has been two years since that decision. What is good about it is that it is stable money. Extremely basic and mundane paperwork to be done daily, same process same routine. At first I was ok with it because of all the craziness I lived with; So, it was kind of giving me some stability. With time I started to realize that my soul was being crushed and buried because I see myself as someone who is creative and loves dealing with different things on a daily basis and to be doing the same thing over and over again killed me. Anyways, things weren’t going well for those around me at work. And that itself gave me hard time to actually be in the same place. Personally, I cannot tolerate injustice and if I couldn’t do anything about it I rather not be in a place where injustice was happening everyday. To be in a place where the boss himself didn’t know what he wanted. Changing work plan at least twice a week was stressful. Hypocrisy between employees in the same department was something I have never seen before. It slowly got under my skin and I started feeling heavy and numb whenever I had to wake up for work. So I used to either force myself to go, or not go at all. Imagine from being a workaholic to not wanting to do any kind of work. The thought of heading to bed at night knowing I have work tomorrow made me suffocate.

Now, if I was the same person as I was back then I would have left my job faster than you blinking. But a lot of things have changed. Being married is one of them. I feel like I have more responsibilities now and I can’t just take a spontaneous decision like that. Yet, I was still hesitant to even ask to move to a different department. I kept making excuses that things will get better but it only gotten worse. Three months ago I had the courage to get a paper that said I wanted to move to a different department but my boss rejected it. So I started to really slack. Leaving work early, going late, not go at all….. This was me trying to prove a point to them that I hated it there. two weeks ago my boss came to me and said that his boss was concerned that I am always absent so he reversed his rejection.. (In a way he wanted to get rid of me because he didn’t know what else to do) That was the happiest moment this year probably (at work).

Started working in the new department the following week and I am loving it. It has a different feel. You get to actually move a lot and deal with many people. And I honestly felt regretful for not taking that step sooner. But it is not necessary that I would have ended up here in this department. Everything happens at the right time right?. We just got to deal with what we have to deal with currently, and we will deal with what’s coming when it arrives. One tiny move made me look at the whole government ministry that I work in differently. I go now feeling light. I have the desire to wake up early to get ready for work. I still don’t know what was that I feared when I wanted to take that step. But how would I know this side is better if I was latching on the other side the whole time??.

What I am trying to say here is that I know it is hard to take that step. It will also get scary and you will feel heavy and lost. But place your mental health above it all. Look at all options you are faced with and go for the best one. Even if it didn’t work, on to the next one. Do not waste your time clinging to what is messing with your mental and physical health because you are scared that it might not work somewhere else. What if it didn’t work? what’s the worse that could happen? Create another plan and move on with your life. Yes, Money is quite important but do not be slaved to your workplace because you are worried and stressed that things might not go the way you want.

life is not all about work. Make sure you balance things out. When work stresses you as much as it did to me; It stole the joy from the rest of my days. So, even after leaving work to go home I still felt angry because I couldn’t do a thing about it . I still remember how good I was doing; all sorts of things but I know now I have grown to be even a better and healthier person, even if that decision of not quitting was actually hurting me but I matured and sometimes you got to take the high road by viewing your options rather than going for it without a plan. Just don’t live your life waking up everyday hating what’s coming but you are still going to it voluntarily. Sometime’s a tiny small step could shift your life.

Never changing is nonsense. You cannot avoid it so you better get along with it because only with change you will feel things you have never felt before, you will live in way you never did. You can’t assume you know it all if you did not experience or go through it. It is ok to fail, it is ok to lose it sometimes; that is the only way to actually get to view life better. Our lives will only get better by change not by chance.

Living life on autopilot is an ugly way of living. Make conscious choices to live a life that is good for your mental, physical, emotional health. Don’t just exist… Live.

xo S

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