I wanted to share something about love/relationship and marriage a while ago, but now I am using Valentine’s day as an excuse to start writing it.
*I am no relationship expert but I read and observed a lot that kinda gives me the knowledge to understand what/how and why.
What is love?
The one definition that I relate to the most and I go by is by M. Scott Peck “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
When you truly take care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally that means you have self love.
>You help someone else grow as their happiness is equal to yours.
I have also read somewhere which made all the sense in the world and made me become a different person it is all about how love is effortful, it is never effortless. It’s a verb not just words said. as long as you want it to be in yourself you got to work for it.
-You love someone but you don’t respect them.
-You love someone but you’re not loyal to them
-You love someone but you can’t stand the thought of them being successful or better than you?
-You love someone but you don’t support what they do?
And the list goes on……
Respect is the foundation of love.
Love is communication and complete understanding the position of the other person.
Love is trust. You cannot love someone and expect love back if there is no trust between you two. The idea is having both of you wanting to be in this relationship.. It’s a two way street not one…
You cannot make someone love you, you cannot buy your love through gifts and such.. You cannot sell it as well; you cannot manipulate love..
>When you truly believe in individuality and that your existence should compliment someone else’s life, that is when you know you truly love. because love does not take advantage.
What makes someone good for you?
The more you are with people who are good for your mental, physical and emotional health… The better you’ll feel and grow. You can’t be with people who mess with your mind, play around making you feel that you need to work hard to be loved/appreciated… Those who are good for you will support you and guide you for your own sake and not theirs. Those who are good for you will remind you how good you are at something and will always encourage you to do better. Those who are good for you will strengthen you instead of causing you emotional stress. Those who are good for you will tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear.
When you find someone who treats you good but makes you feel that you owe them for the treatment; this is no good.
When you find someone who pays your bills but breaks your heart’ this is no good.
When you find someone who says all the right words but does nothing; this is no good.
Love at first sight
Spare me the romance there is no such thing as ‘love at first sight’ there is admiration at first sigh, like at first sight… At first sight means you have only seen the external part of someone; And loving someone because how they look is no ‘true love’ When you truly with all your heart get to know someone, and you are aware of their faults and all and not only you ‘accept’ them as they are but inspire them to be better people for themselves and everyone around them. that is love because we are usually and most likely to be fooled by looks. Sometime’s someone look certain way but the sooner they speak their image crashes before your eyes; because nothing is what it seems right?
Define Love in five words
If I dare to collect 5 words that would sum up “love” it’s impossible. But I will share with you words that feel like love to me.
Caring | Understanding | Support | listening | Appreciation
Do you think people should change themselves to find love?
This question had me thinking a lot. But I will tell you one thing and that’s reality for me. Never change or compromise yourself to ‘find’ love. Change yourself and make yourself better for You. The right person will come along when you are comfortable with yourself. Get to know your flaws, faults and deal with them… Let the progress of improving yourself for you; to be a better better… Not for the sake of someone else liking you. I am telling you one thing and trust me on this: when you focus on looks and not the actual personality and way of thinking of someone, your way of love will always be changeable. You will love them when they are in a certain way but you’ll back off when they’re feeling a bit off.
Have some values and principles and live by them. Let who ever cross your path realize those values and structures you live by; be aligned with your thoughts and the right one’s will come walk along with you, not before you or after you…..
When you are attached to someone and fear that they will leave you, that’s not love. When you feel like you have a mission to fill in the gap within you and you’d do whatever it takes to keep it flowing… that is not love. You are just scared of being alone. You just have the need to be told that you are loved… You are unaware of your greatness and your ability to truly share the love that you have, because you keep sharing it with the wrong people and then complain that you’re not getting anything in return…. Which takes me to the point that when you love someone truly there is no ‘waiting’ to get it back or waiting to receive anything in return.. If there is nothing given to you, do not ask for it… Love doesn’t work that way.. Unless it’s given free it’s not love. Love and fear they don’t go together. living in fear to be left? betrayed or hurt… this is not love….As Paulo Coelho once said: “The true lover is not the one who says: “You need to be by my side and I need to take care of you, because we are loyal to each other,” but the one who realizes that loyalty must go hand in hand with freedom. And without fear of betrayal, he accepts and respects the other person’s dream, trusting in the greater power of Love.”
Love is calm, love is near and genuine love should secure you emotionally and mentally. You shouldn’t fight yourself at night thinking whether… yes or no.. Whether it’s real or fake.
Attach yourself to the idea of self improvement. Fill your day with ways to fill the gap by loving yourself. Self care will give you such a huge boost with your confidence, mental and emotional health.
I think we need a whole blogpost for this one.. But I’ll try to sum it up in few words for the sake of this post. If you’re interested to read more about this topic let me know so I could write about it… But here are some of the things I’d like to share..
Marriage is a union of two not one; get this in your head first before even thinking about getting involved with someone else because you’re going to be ruining two lives not one.
If you wish to be married because you are lonely; do not get married.
If you wish to be married to serve a family purpose; do not get married.
If you wish to be married because you think you got older…. do not get married.
Get married when you are truly and genuinely ready to be married. Get married because you feel that you are capable of taking care of yourself and nurture the other person along with you.. Get married because you want to settle down and share your time and energy with others.
Marriage is not easy. It is a lot of work; and as long as you want it to last you have to work on it.
Don’t be with someone you cannot create random conversation with…
Don’t be with someone just because how they look (It will fade with time trust me)
Don’t be with someone just for the sake of financial reasons…
Marriage is beautiful when understood right. It’s not about man and woman’s equality; it’s about a man does his part as the woman’s. And it’s not about having them both pitch in 50\50.. because sometime’s it could be 80/20 or 90/10. You gotta pick up and help support your person as if he/she was your own. It is not a competition. it’s both of you side by side…
Marry someone who has similar values as you yours..
Do not seek someone with similar interest’s or hobbies; you’ll end up with minimum conversation topics…
And when you finally agree to marry someone; you have got to respect their interests or hobbies; even if they don’t make sense to you. You cannot belittle someone just because they’re interested in something that you do’t understand. This is why I mentioned in the beginning that respect is the foundation of love. No respect no relationship….
Just don’t live a life where your marriage is only true on papers…..
It’s better to be alone; than with someone and still feel lonely.
“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”