I Now Know Better

Do I feel comfortable expressing myself?
I read this question over and over again and I look at myself.. I am amazed by the change that has happened in the past few years…..

How it all started?

Looking back at my teenage life, I used to be such a quiet person. I never used to express my needs, emotions or thoughts. It wasn’t much that I was afraid to expose my true feelings but it was more like I didn’t even bother to share my ideas, thoughts or feelings because nobody cared enough to truly know.(Or that’s how I thought.)
This is why at the age of fourteen I don’t know how it all started actually or from where I got the idea to start writing poems but I did.

Looking back at my writings it wasn’t just awful writings but it was dark and negative in all the ways. I knew that they meant something… Maybe not literally but they expressed some kind of hidden feelings I couldn’t expose. I don’t know how they came out rhyming back then.
With time I actually started writing… Away from poetry; I somehow found ‘journaling’ very helpful in ways….. But you see >> Expressing myself comfortably wasn’t a thing; especially to other people.

Years went by and I have been put through many situations where I was truly forced to actually speak out my mind and be verbal, and that’s when I knew that I was being used and abused by others because I have never learnt to say no or said how I truly felt.

Now at the age of twenty eight I am blessed to be able to speak my mind freely without the fear of being judged. I seek no validation on how I live my life from others. Especially now that I know myself (still getting to know myself though) *I will never become as I am always becoming*
Back then, I had nothing to go by, no values to keep my aligned or principles to guide my way.. So I didn’t know what exactly I stand for.
I have learnt that somehow__to fear being judged is like the hidden desire to be liked… And for me? I didn’t bother… I never wanted to force people to like me. Because knowing my worth does not increase or decrease by the ‘liking’ of people… And as Dr Seuss said: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” 

I have learnt that respect is the only way. You cannot go wrong with being respectful. I decided to respect others and their choices of how they are living their lives. As long as I am not effected by it then I have no say in it. I shouldn’t get defensive when others choose to live in a way that somehow is against everything I go for.
((You can’t walk around stating opinions and being defensive if you didn’t know what exactly you stand for. You truly can’t share your hate to things that you don’t even understand.)))
Due to my silence I knew that I either say something good, something positive; or say nothing at all.
It was the only way to be able to express yourself comfortably;
>>Be honest with yourself first.
>>Know your emotions and thoughts (Why are you thinking/feeling this way?)

I took all the time in the world to get to know myself. What I liked what I didn’t like and why… I drew lines and reshaped my life in ways that fit me best. I knew it was going to cost me people, time and energy. But as I am writing this right now I am telling you; it was worth it.
I know now when I say no I mean it. When I refuse or agree to do something; I am aware of my capabilities.

Being nice and kind has nothing to do with saying yes all the time. You can be kind and maybe the nicest person on earth and still take no BS from anyone.

Sharing your emotions and thoughts is truly amazing; but not when it’s forced onto others. So having a fear of being judged means that you are not even sure of your feelings or thoughts that you are about to share. You should be proud speaking of those things away from the fear of getting negative comments back; I usually end up with saying the words (I agree to disagree) And if you cannot convince me with your new idea then I am definitely keeping mine. But having people manipulating you back and forth means that you are unbalanced with yourself and you are not quite sure of your thoughts and emotions…

What to truly focus on after reading all this is to get to know yourself. If you cannot be honest with yourself you will never be honest with others.
It took me years to finally be open and verbalize my feelings and thoughts from paper to voice…..; especially now that I am married; I have to express myself and my needs verbally or how else will my husband understand me? It is hard I know… But time is all you have and it is all what you’ll get if you give it to yourself.

I now know that nobody’s perfect, we are all made of thoughts and emotions and if those aren’t expressed freely we will end up bringing the inner volcano to life… And who wants that?
xo, S

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